By Queen Edel
How has it been?
It’s been over 3 months since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and honestly, it’s been a hell of a rollercoaster. In the beginning,it was very hard to accept that after 23 fairly (physically)healthy years on earth, I had to live the rest of my life with an illness that was well hidden and barely noticeable. An illness that would be eating me up slowly without showing any wounds because those were way easier to treat and handle.
After a while, I became optimistic because I finally knew what was wrong with me and told myself that it was easier to control something I was aware of. Well, that had some truth in it. However, whenever I experienced fluctuations in my mood, I would start pitying myself and wondering why I had to live a life of taking medication and going for therapy. That thought in itself would push me to the lowest of my lows and in no time, I’d hit rock bottom.
I also began having panic attacks when there was the slightest inconvenience. I became afraid of being judged based on my illness. I was even more afraid of my colleagues at work or employer seeing me as incompetent because truth be told, I became a special case as soon as I was diagnosed with Bipolar.
Although I was advised not to tell anyone about my condition, I decided otherwise because I knew there were many people struggling with mental health issues in silence. I decided to risk being stigmatized so I could be a hope to them and prove that we could still live a normal life.
Have things gotten better?
Since I began my medication and therapy, not much has changed. I know I should be a little more positive but I guess it’s a bit difficult since I’m writing this while in a depressive episode. Truthfully speaking, I have gotten to learn a little about my triggers and how to avoid them as much as I can. However, sometimes it’s not as easy as it sounds.
For instance, I got into a depressive episode immediately after I learnt that one of my favorite Kpop artists Moonbin( from boy group ASTRO) had died of what was speculated by the police to be suicide. That might sound like nothing to some people but to those with a mental illness and who have often struggled with suicidal thoughts, they’d know exactly why I ended up hitting rock bottom.
As someone who has been in love with writing since I was 8 years old(that was the first time I wrote a poem), I have resided to journaling since I can’t share every single detail on my blog. I have also resided to watching Kdramas, listening to music, praying and writing(that’s my favorite thing in the world) because those lift my mood. Things are usually so much better on some days that I feel invincible but on others, things are so hard that the only thing I can think of is disappearing from the face of the earth.
Is there someone I can talk to?
Making friends as someone with Bipolar Disorder is extremely difficult. Why? Because I’ll be hyped up and talking to them for a minute and then I’ll disappear from their lives the next. Why do I do this? Am I just being selfish? Well, I guess some of my friends(hoping they still consider me their friend) might think that way. Truth is, when I’m in a manic episode, my social battery is usually so full that it’s about to explode. Therefore, I become a social butterfly, call my friends, make plans, meet new people and smile 98 percent of the time. However, when I’m in a depressive episode, my social battery becomes so low that it’s almost dead. Therefore, I don’t talk to anyone, stay indoors, have my earphones on the whole day when I’m at work and barely ever smile. My social anxiety is usually at it’s peak when I’m depressed.
In spite of all that, when I am afraid of harming myself, I call my mother, younger brother and therapist and share what I’m going through. Usually, I sugarcoat the situation so as not to worry my family but when it comes to my therapist, I tell him everything as it is. Other than them, I keep my issues to myself because I am not only afraid of being stigmatized but also fearful of not being understood. As for friends, there’s none I can talk to at the moment since I haven’t reached out to them in months. I’m pretty sure there’s a higher probability of them not considering me their friend anymore.
What next?
Honestly, I don’t know what’s next. I just hope and pray that I’ll be strong and brave enough to keep fighting. I will definitely be continuing with my medication and therapy because that’s the least I can do. I also hope I’ll be able to make friends who will be able to understand me even when I’m quiet for months. All in all, my focus right now is to ensure I try my best so that my illness does not interfere with my performance at work. It’s a difficult journey, a tough fight…but I’m willing to win because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
My advice?
Do not be afraid to speak up about your struggles with mental health. Speaking up doesn’t make you weak, it rather shows your strength and encourages those in the same ship. Also, spread love and kindness. That could save a life or two. When someone with a mental illness confides in you, do not share the information with anyone else because that is just so wrong. Be supportive and trustworthy, you could change somebody’s world. Finally, be the change you want to see.
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